The Story of Mila

Hi Miss Mila our angel…today it’s been two years that you have been gone. It breaks my heart to even write those words…we have had this spot saved on your website to tell the world your story but it’s been a little too hard for mommy to write..but today I’m going to do my best.

If we start at the beginning it should be how daddy and mommy met. We met a work, and joking and laughing at work together turned into a friendship which turned into a relationship full of laughter, passion, fun and love. Mommy was a little (just a little!) older and did not expect to get the surprise and unexpected joy of finding out she was pregnant with you!  I told Daddy while cooking him a ham dinner and while we didn’t say much that first night, we were over the moon the next day and sharing our exciting new with all friends and family. We did not know the exact road our path was going to take us but we were excited and full of happiness and expectations for our baby girl.  

A few weeks before you were born, we decided we couldn’t wait and decided to get married!  We had to do this quickly as you were coming soon! We setup an intimate small wedding in our backyard and got married under our little white trellis on August 1st.  Again my baby girl surprised me by letting us know she was ready to say hello world – my water broke while dancing the father daughter song with my dad. You, my precious miracle, were born at 12:59pm the next day. Mommy and Daddy were so excited…when we got to the hospital we were screaming in the halls..we just got married!  A few days later we were walking out the door with our 5lb 8 ounce bundle…and just a little nervousness about what comes next!!

Those first few weeks were frantic and mommy was probably a little crazed..but before you know it..we were a few months down the road and our baby girl was beginning to smile and jabber and we loved every moment of it.  We would watch you on the monitor that we dubbed “Milavision”, we loved playing with you on the changing table, Daddy & Mila had fun quality time together watching Penn State win (well, most of the time). Life was an adventure…and you were getting bigger and cute baby chubby each day. Every new memory and every new thing we watched you learn and discover was joy and happiness piled on top of our adoration and love. One of mommy’s favorite memories was when Daddy came walking down the stairs and would scream at the top of his lungs…”I’m happy…I love my family.” Life was good…life was great.

Before I get to the part that’s going to make mommy cry, let me just talk about a few more cute things we just loved about you baby girl. Your screams of glee, the fact that you would always stick your tongue out, how you loved watching airplanes with daddy. Your quiet intense observation of…everything.   How we had to hold your shirt in the back to help you sit up straight, the fun we had singing little bunny foo foo with you. The absolute glee we had feeding you and getting you to try new foods – you loved almost everything and would use your hands to help mommy guide the spoon in!  But most of all…your baby smell, your kisses, your fuzzy hair and blue eyes, your long fingers and toes and kissing you tummy.  You were an easy child (even with all the spit up!) you were quick to smile and laugh and you gave so much joy and love to us..we didn’t even know at the time how you filled every corner, every empty hole in our lives.  You made us a family…you made us complete and we loved you more than anything in the world. God blessed us with a beautiful perfect baby girl who changed our lives forever.  What we wouldn’t do for another moment..another smile..another kiss.  Kisses in heaven Mila… we love you so. Today you would be almost  2 yrs and 8 months old – how great it would be to see you at this age and watch you play.

The last day we had with you, Mommy and Daddy went to Toys- R-Us to see about buying you a wagon.  We actually had a little spat as Mommy wanted to get the cheap wagon but Daddy wanted the more expensive  Radio Flyer. Well, Daddy convinced me and we walked out excited to take you for a ride when we got home. Daddy put together the wagon and we packed you up and took you out for a ride with your favorite stuffed animal Tigger. We had a great time and you loved your new wagon. That day, you were getting over a cold but feeling better. When you woke up the next morning, we fed you and played in bed like most mornings. You took a quick nap with Mommy and then we got you ready to go to daycare.  I look back now and think that some type of Mother’s instinct must have took over as I would usually kiss you goodbye upstairs and continue getting ready for work. Daddy would take you to daycare and drop you off.  But this day, I ran downstairs in my towel and said to Daddy “just in case” and said goodbye again and gave you kisses all over your face. Daddy said to me “let’s leave work early and take Mila for another wagon ride tonight. “ We did not know at the time…that would be the last sentence…the last moment we would be together as a family..the last moment of normal. My last moment without a hole in my heart and a rip in my soul.

Later that day, Mommy got a call on her cell phone from a detective…we ran out of the office and into the car to rush to the hospital as we were told you had stopped breathing. They did not tell us you were already in heaven but we were scared and crying and knew the whole drive that our lives were about to change forever…we didn’t want to think you were gone…but mommy knew. And when we pulled up the cops and doctors were outside and the look they gave us – we knew. Worst moment of our lives. It doesn’t seem real – oh baby girl we didn’t want you to go – we didn’t want to be at the hospital hearing news that was impossible to really understand. The next days to weeks to months were just a blur of heartache, longing, denial, anger and at least for mommy – guilt over what could I have done, could I have saved my baby girl? What happened? Why Why Why.   Why us? Why you? How cruel…why did you leave?? Everything in life changed after that day – we didn’t want to see anything happy or bright, no children, no smiling faces, for me no music of any kind. Every reminder and heartache of missing you was around each corner in everywhere we went and everything we saw. There seemed to be no relief from the pain for a long long time…there is nothing you can do but just get through it and wait for the pain to lift…if even just a little bit..if even just to breathe or smile without the intense pain of missing you.

 

Today…today is a sad day..but today is a little better than last year. As cliché as it sounds, with time comes healing. I think the best part of having some time pass, is that now we can watch your videos, see the pictures, remember our beautiful angel and it fills us with joy (still longing and pain) but joy and happiness instead of just pain.  We have sprinkled your ashes in the redwood forest in California, we have sprinkled some under the dogwood tree we planted last year in your honor and we have some next to us..always close forever. We even put some inside a heart (with the help of Mrs. Eglin) and had the heart sewn into your favorite stuffed animal – Tigger. We have created a website to celebrate your life and to have a place for Mommy & Daddy to write to you and share thoughts, pictures and videos of you with family and friends who love you and miss you. We have pictures of you everywhere and a new painting with the song You Are My Sunshine, which was Mommy’s favorite song to sing to you. We think of you everyday..we love you and we miss you and your smile more than I could ever express in these inadequate words.

I didn’t want to go in today of all days for the baby’s sonogram, but God and Mila had other plans. Twice I moved the appt to another day – but yesterday the doctor asked to move it again to today. I guess it was meant to be. Today we found out we are having a baby girl – Mila you will have a baby sister!  We are thrilled, excited and overjoyed for our new little girl and we can’t wait to tell her about her big sister Mila August Kohute. The thought of my two girls makes me smile…

One important thing before I end Mila’s story. Baby girl we don’t know for sure how or why you died but we have been faced just lately with some news that we didn’t know before – it might not change anything, but I can promise you that Mommy & Daddy will follow up and find out as much as we can about what happened to you that day.

To all Mother’s – my daughter died at home daycare. We don’t know the exact circumstances and might not ever know exactly what happened or how and why she died and if it could have been prevented. But what we do know – is that she was taking a nap upstairs and was unsupervised with no monitor for an undisclosed amount of time with a blanket in her crib.  Please be careful and talk to your daycare provider about what is needed for safe infant care.   Infants need constant supervision and attentive care when they are younger than one year. Please make it known and a rule in your house and at daycare – no matter what, no blankets or anything else in the crib!  These items and small comforts can wait until the baby is older. None of us think it can happen to us…but it does, and I never want other parent’s hearts to break like ours- especially for something that can be prevented. Be diligent and careful about whom you decide to leave your child with. Please share our story with all mothers and daycare providers. We will be updating the website with a resource section with more information soon.

 

All my love angel girl, we miss you so.

 

Mila’s story written 3/22/2012

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